i spent most of yesterday working in metal. and now my wrist remembers what that feels like. so i spent the last few minutes flinging out this little sheeplet who does not follow anyone whatsoever. and who could blame her for the?
happy monday to you!
i painted this the same day i painted the green self portrait. i was wearing similar big earrings at the time. otherwise, this page is just a bit of whimsy that means absolutely nothing. normally i am working things out when i paint. but lately, what i need to work out blows beyond the borders of my physical being. it doesn't fit onto paper. it's dark scary stuff. and when i paint those things it tends to freak people out. or make them uneasy. just like when i talk about those sorts of things with people i know. i carry the darkness around with me. it's heavy and painful. then, when i finally can't begin to hold it all anymore i will either leak out little bits or dump the entire pile. regardless of how it shows up in a conversation, it seems that no one i know knows what to make of it. i am usually met with silence or eyes averted. so now i think and think of who i can talk to but there is no one. i turn to the journal and it is empty. the colors bright and meaningless. blank pretty faces churned out make everyone more comfortable than a picture of a pile of a woman sobbing. life isn't always pretty. and when you feel like you are breaking it won't last forever. in the moment, life goes on, if we are lucky, and no one has to tell me that. i know it for certain.
do not clean your brushes here
while turning everyday trouble into something else.
to find
the most precious revelations of the future no more our foe.
it is good to see things as you please and find pleasure in paint.
i took the boys to the art supply store yesterday and got them each a wonderful journal. i told them that we would work in our journals each week together. i want their journals to be about them, by them, and for them. i'm really looking forward to spending the time being crafty together.
at night, as soon as we were home from swimming, my youngest grabbed up his journal and announced that he was writing his own comic book Today. and he got right down to it. he is busy this minute writing the story which is turning out to be quite an adventure. it is full of friends who wake up with mysteriously colorful glowing skin on friday the 13th. he keeps coming in to share the newest parts with me. it's awesome.
when school ends it is tempting for me to sign them up for art classes, tennis camp, or summer school. but our school year is scheduled so tightly that when summer rolls around we all want a break. and, i know i have lots of things that i can teach them (including doing the laundry!). it makes me so happy when they are eager to try new things and find fun in some of the same activities that bring me joy. they are finally at the age where they can truly take on many of the art projects that i love. my oldest is very much anticipating a paper clay project we are going to start. i have quite a list of ideas for creative play this summer. i'll keep you posted!
Father's Day has come and gone. My father died just a little more than a month ago. But, he was lost to me many years ago, really. Still, there was no physical separation. We were blocked through the mist of his brain injury. How do you let go when someone you love is behind a veil looking out at you but cannot remember where you live?
I spent so many years burying everything about my Dad that when he finally passed it was all too heavy to unload. Slowly, slowly bits of this massive grief peel away in strange places, sometimes silently, sometimes publicly. I think that if you constantly put on a happy face everyone around you assumes you are fine. I try to keep moving but inside there is turmoil and roiling waves of flat out terror. Trying to process sadness in the midst of a joyful life is a balancing act. Being a mother doesn't afford blocks of time to work it all out. But that is a gift. Nothing sad can be held onto for very long when there are rocks to be gathered and jokes to be told. As Yehuda Amachai says, you must love and hate with the same heart. And it is also this way with grief. It all happens simultaneously, one emotion folded over on top of another, seamlessly pressed together to fuse new layers of the spirit. And this is my life today.
journal page in progress
there are days
when i so want
something to say
i used to have
deep thoughts
and now i do not
my thoughts are scattered
and forgotten
i am forgetful
it is discouraging
where have they gone
into the fourth year
will they ever
come back
On Sunday, Pilar and I headed out to Gina Armfield's New Year Journal Jam in Malibu. This picture is terrible, I know. But we are having so much fun how could I not share?
treasure
It takes about an hour and a half to get to Malibu from my house. Usually, on a weekend sunny morning, as this one was, there can be a lot of traffic. But we literally flew up the coast and enjoyed catching up with each other as we watched the surfers and paddle boarders skimming the shiny sea.
Above is the beautiful view we were greeted with when we reached the clubhouse of Paradise Cove. Outside you could hear the waves crashing and smell the ocean.
Inside you could smell cupcakes!
We all quickly unpacked our overload of supplies and got busy meeting new friends, painting, talking, eating, laughing, watching demos, winning door prizes, and generally having a wonderful day.
Pilar won my Fairy Ring Hoop Earrings! Doesn't she look pretty wearing them!
And, my sweet friend, Tally Oliveau, also attended with her sister, Michelle, who was visiting from New York.
Gina really planned the most amazing day. Each table was covered with positive affirmations, the wall was wrapped in an inspiring poem of Mary Oliver's, there were extra supplies for sharing, books for sale, and her excellent demos. Here she is sharing her watercolor journal. She is flat out a fantastic painter!
It was really such a special day.
There were so many of my favorite things all at once...
happy artist faces,
Friends, great conversations, art, nature, and super food, too.
Pilar, Me, Gina (thank you, thank you!), and Tally
If you are feeling a little envious, please sign up for a class of your own! Gina has a fantastic series of workshops lined up through spring via Artinfusio. In addition to her own outrageously fabulous workshops she is bringing LK Ludwig and Judy Wise in to teach their journaling styles. All the classes really look amazing and are here, right at the beach in Malibu. And, just in case it is too far for you to travel, she also has awesome online classes in journaling, watercolors, and more. So be sure to check it out!
Fairy Rings
I made these wool wrapped steel hoops to give away as a door prize at the Journal Jam tomorrow. They are wrapped in sterling silver, faceted iolite, amethyst, and moonstone.
They're swingy and funky yet dainty and feminine, too. I hope they'll make the winner a happy girl. Clap, clap, clap! I'm so excited to spend the day at the beach painting with friends! It's been especially hot here the last few days so it just ramps up the anticipation all the more to be heading to Malibu. Yay! I hope that your Sunday is scrumptious!
starting to work in my new journal...
i am in favor of world-wide peace
spread this idea
and war will cease
grow kindness and abide in love.
