Keep Moving

 

 

Father's Day has come and gone. My father died just a little more than a month ago. But, he was lost to me many years ago, really. Still, there was no physical separation. We were blocked through the mist of his brain injury. How do you let go when someone you love is behind a veil looking out at you but cannot remember where you live?

I spent so many years burying everything about my Dad that when he finally passed it was all too heavy to unload. Slowly, slowly bits of this massive grief peel away in strange places, sometimes silently, sometimes publicly. I think that if you constantly put on a happy face everyone around you assumes you are fine. I try to keep moving but inside there is turmoil and roiling waves of flat out terror. Trying to process sadness in the midst of a joyful life is a balancing act. Being a mother doesn't afford blocks of time to work it all out. But that is a gift. Nothing sad can be held onto for very long when there are rocks to be gathered and jokes to be told. As Yehuda Amachai says, you must love and hate with the same heart. And it is also this way with grief. It all happens simultaneously, one emotion folded over on top of another, seamlessly pressed together to fuse new layers of the  spirit. And this is my life today.

Comments

[Michel Murphy]

You say so well what I feel and cannot put into words. I lost my father two decades ago and I find comfort and understanding in what you've expressed. LOve and huGs to you, my dear.

Michel

[Judi D.]

I understand and support you in this journey of love and grief. It is a long one - longer for you because it actually began so long ago. Sending you love and blessings.

[Mary Vensel White]

Beautifully expressed, Kelly. I think people tend to shy away from grief when it affects others, never knowing how much or what to say. And that is one of the saddest things about grief. Yes, no light without darkness. Sending you strength and understanding vibes :-).

[Renate]

It is so hard to be left behind...
sending hugs...

[Ja-Who-Dee Evitts]

When my father passed, it was a mixture of grief and celebration. Grief that we would lose him here on earth, but celebration that his long suffering with cancer was at an end, and he was able to pass at home, which is very much his hearts desire.

I always without a doubt, end up thinking of and remembering my father when I mow the lawn. Fortunately now, the reflection is more with a smile on my lips and less with a tear down my cheek.

My mother is still walking, living, and breathing. But she is very much lost to us most of the time. She is struggling with Alzheimer's and is losing the battle. Often when we visit, you can tell she doesn't really know who we are. She was always very good at covering up if she didn't remember you name when her brain was very healthy, and she has kept this skill. My siblings and I for the last year have been dealing with having the shell of our mother. The lady who looks like our mom but really isn't our mom. So I understand oh so much where your heart lies when you say that he was lost to you some time ago. My heart goes out to you my dear Kelly. I haven't crossed this road with my mother yet, but I can only pray that I will find the same strength in knowing that it will be the ultimate journey for her. Not that any of that makes the passing of a parent any easier.

[joanna pierotti]

oh Kel, I didn't know you lost your dad. I'm so sorry. You express with words so perfectly. You are a gifted writer.
xo

[Bethany]

although Daddy couldn't remember where you lived, he always remembered YOU. You, the special, wonderful, loving person that you are. One of these days maybe we'll understand why Daddy went through what he did and why it all had to be the way it was. To me, he was never lost, only another chapter. there were so many different chapters with him, weren't there. He had great drive, spirit and love and he taught us that. I miss him so much and can't believe I can go somewhere without wondering whether I'll be in phone range in case something happens. It was a long hard road we walked together. I'm glad you were by my side. I love you Kelly and I love you Daddy, forever