Whimsy

 

i painted this the same day i painted the green self portrait. i was wearing similar big earrings at the time. otherwise, this page is just a bit of whimsy that means absolutely nothing. normally i am working things out when i paint. but lately, what i need to work out blows beyond the borders of my physical being. it doesn't fit onto paper. it's dark scary stuff. and when i paint those things it tends to freak people out. or make them uneasy. just like when i talk about those sorts of things with people i know. i carry the darkness around with me. it's heavy and painful. then, when i finally can't begin to hold it all anymore i will either leak out little bits or dump the entire pile. regardless of how it shows up in a conversation, it seems that no one i know knows what to make of it. i am usually met with silence or eyes averted. so now i think and think of who i can talk to but there is no one. i turn to the journal and it is empty. the colors bright and meaningless. blank pretty faces churned out make everyone more comfortable than a picture of a pile of a woman sobbing. life isn't always pretty. and when you feel like you are breaking it won't last forever. in the moment, life goes on, if we are lucky, and no one has to tell me that. i know it for certain.

Comments

[Tamara Comerford]

My friend, your dark and scary bits will never scare me, so you are free to dump it upon my shoulders. I too have dark bits inside...like how sometimes I long for the silence, euphoria and pain-free state of floating on the edge between life and death that happened moments after my car accident. So nothing you could say or paint or express or rage against would ever push me away. I love you girl!

[Michel Murphy]

The worst part of it is the isolated feeling. Then there is the guilt and judgment we pile on for being self-indulgent. I can't believe I would be scared of the darkness either. It's just something many of us would rather deny or hide. I would like to see your creations that "freak people out."

[Maija Lepore]

You don't scare me silly girl! I like dark....

[Cat Dodt-Ellis]

I've always thought I "see" more clearly in the dark. I've flipped back & forth all my life & have found few that listen but oh, those that do are firmly in my heart forever. By necessity, we are not in the same place but I do feel great kinship with you, no expectations because of this, just my words sent to you.

[katie]

I know those dark and scary places, you know i do. And I'm always here for you, to share with, it would never scare me because i've had/have all the same ones in one form or another.

i have some churning around inside right now, that i've consoled temporarily with promises of unabashed time soon, where i can look it all right in the eye, experience it all in my body, feel the shattering and cracking. it's how I get free, exploring the shadow, integrating those parts. i find my dark work has much more life than work when i'm settled. but it's hard to share and i agree, one must be careful where to open up onself like that. it takes courage and stength to stand in it. you've got all of that and more. i experience you as a kindred spirit even though we haven't met in person. love and hugs xox