all of my days

i wrote this post quite some time ago and then put it aside. i found it again and thought it was relevant. today i do not feel this way. the emotions have subsided. i still struggle with the questions but i am not currently being abraded by them. so there is peace. but there is always the urgent seeking of balance that is so necessary to reside there...

there are so many days that i feel i am in the wrong place. i am surrounded by people, faced with a question, see the absolute answer, yet am the only one who feels that i have made the correct choice. always questioning, always weighing, always wanting to know why. i feel like the boy on the side of the street as the emperor walks by clad only in a smile. He's Naked!!! Can't you see he has no clothes? But everyone continues to applaud and revel in the vision for fear of being embarrassed or standing alone. today it just feels heavy. i feel sad and tired and frustrated. and there is no where to store these feelings. they hang on me like a ragged shirt. and my biggest fear is that they will be swept aside and never remedied. joy wasted. happiness lost. 

it is all the more painful because i am not one to hide how i feel. and right now this makes me excruciatingly vulnerable. i don't want help. i don't want someone to fix it or even to listen and discuss. i just need to put it down as part of a way to move beyond. otherwise it feels so heavy that i cannot escape. i am intentionally vague. my skin is whisper thin and you can easily see right through to the pain inside. i am much better to pull the deep darkness around myself until i grow solid again.

i will paint. it is my therapy. i will turn my music up. i will tie my apron around my neck. i will seek the solitary comfort of creating what is hurting me in order to set it free. it is not the answer but it is the way to begin to find the answer. it is the journey. it is my journey. it is always about something. it is not elegant. it is not meant to entertain you. it is mine.

All of my Days
Lyrics by Alexci Murdoch

Well I have been searching all of my days
All of my days
Many a road, you know
I’ve been walking on
All of my days
And I’ve been trying to find
What’s been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well I have been quietly standing in the shade
All of my days
Watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made
All of this rain
And I’ve been trying to find
What’s been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Well many a night I found myself with no friends standing near
All of my days
I cried aloud
I shook my hands
What am I doing here
All of these days
For I look around me
And my eyes confound me
And it’s just too bright
As the days keep turning into night

Now I see clearly
It’s you I’m looking for
All of my days
Soon I’ll smile
I know I’ll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days
For I look around me
And it seems He found me
And it’s coming into sight
As the days keep turning into night
As the days keep turning into night
And even breathing feels all right
Yes, even breathing feels all right
Now even breathing feels all right
It’s even breathing
Feels all right

Comments

[~*Amber Dawn*~]

Very well put!
:o)

[Molly Alexander]

Kelly, your writing is so beautiful. I am glad you are not feeling like this today, but this post offers comfort to those who are - that they aren't alone, and that the feelings do pass.

Thank you for sharing.

Molly

[Linda]

Kelly what you wrote is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. AND btw, you look so very beautiful in the picture you posted. AND Of course, I LOVE the necklace. I had to put that out there too. lol

[Judi]

Kelly, this is beautiful and true and moving. I do believe that many of us have the same feelings. You are blessed with the ability to put them into words, the bravery to share them and the beauty to move through them to the other side. Namaste'
Judi

[Renate]

I can feel you.

[pilar]

Sending you a big ol' cosmic hug. xoxoxoxo

[lynne]

you've expressed what many of us feel so beautifully, kelly... thank you... (and may all who see that the emperor is naked soar on...)

xxoo

[lynne]

you've expressed what many of us feel so beautifully, kelly... thank you... (and may all who see that the emperor is naked soar on...)

xxoo

[Maija Lepore]

Maybe they are all laughing and clapping cuz the Emperor has a little dick? They feel bad for him????

I wish I lived right next door to you. Then I could drive you crazy!

oxox

[Bethany Geurin]

May your life be as beautiful inside as it is outside.

Laura is now having to watch Star Wars because Finn and Morgan watched it and apparently she watched with them.

Love you dear sister.

[Cindy Ericsson]

I feel something like that today...

But, I stopped in here to tell you that I got the TRUE earrings several days ago & I've pretty much been wearing them every day since. They say something to me & for me. I think I'll go put them on now. :-)

[Emily]

I do not know many people who think as you do, other than myself -- maybe that is why I so enjoy checking your blog to see what you have to say. Love your realness. Please continue to stay true to your feelings and life observations and share with us. And, thanks for sharing this beautiful song.

[Mary Beth Shaw]

Very profound thoughts.....and stated so eloquently. What a beautiful song, just love it.