posting

i'm thinking about losing the blog. i only started it to keep everyone posted as to what was going on with me when i was dealing with cancer. now i'm fine. i don't particularly want to write. i have lots to say but i don't want to say it. and when i say it i want someone to talk back. isn't that the point of email? or having lunch with a friend.

part of my quandry actually stems from finishing the manuscript for the book. while it was an overwhelming amount of work it was all very enjoyable to me. it has been such a long, long time since i was immersed in words that way. they are so powerful. and when there are certain boundaries and limitations placed upon them to challenge me in how i can use them, i enjoy that in a completely different way. typically my art is all about holding nothing back and doing whatever i please even if what i please is ugly. it is process driven. it is dream driven. it is mine.

so finishing the manuscript caused a shift in my mind. i finished it and found myself not wanting to paint, not wanting to create anything, not wanting to write anything in this blog. i have quite a few projects i've signed on for and haven't had the slightest interest in any of them. i feel that i am in limbo land. i know that this will pass but a part of me wants to just walk away. to just take up automotive repair instead.

i have wanted to talk about something that happened a few weeks ago, when we went to the san diego wild animal park. driving the freeway from orange county on a sunny weekend is always busy. as we were coming through oceanside the traffic suddenly slowed. my husband complained and i commented that it was probably an accident and we would soon be around it. as we got closer we could see cars moving from our lane (the middle lane) to the left and the right. we pulled into the far left lane and could see men in the road directing traffic. tom commented that it looked like a motorcycle. that is never good. i started asking questions. why isn't there a police officer here? why isn't there an ambulance? i hope no one is hurt. what is that that looks pink up ahead in the road? tom said, it just happened kelly. the police haven't gotten here yet.

as we got further up the road tom said to me, don't look. don't look. but me being me turned my body fully to the right, to the scene. first there was the man directing traffic. he had such a normal expression on his face. he could have been anywhere. he and another man were signaling everyone around a body in the road. the something pink was a large red and white checked scarf someone had placed over the face of the driver of the motorcycle. it covered his head and part of his chest. he was wearing jeans and black cowboy boots that were pointing straight to heaven. not turned to one side. his legs were perfectly straight as if he had just laid himself down for a rest right in the middle of the 5 freeway. but all around his head was a cherry red pool of blood.

i know i was talking as we drove by. i know i said something. i know i prayed for this unknown soul. outside of that i don't remember what i said. i wanted to know what happened to him. i felt like i needed to know how he died out of respect to him. where did that scarf come from? who put it there? i kept thinking of where he had been going. how long would it be before people were missing him? and what had happened? where was his helmet?  tom said to me that someone probably cut him off and then he flew off his bike and got run over so even if he had been wearing a helmet it wouldn't have helped to save him.

the kids were in the back watching spongebob. i didn't know which would be the most wise, to say "don't look" or to say nothing. i chose to say nothing as they were laughing and watching spongebob. and besides, tom had told me not to look and i did (although i felt i needed to see it. i felt i needed to mark something with my eyes to honor the dead man).

as we drove past tom said our oldest son had looked "because we were making such a big deal" the big deal must have been the talking part that i can't remember). i replied to him that someone was dead in the road. that if that wasn't a big deal then i surely didn't know what a big deal was.

i cried for the man. but i cried for myself, too. i surely know how quickly life can change. and i prayed a prayer of thanks to God that i was spared when my life could have been taken just as quickly earlier this year. i was thankful that everyone in my family was safe and that we had not been involved in that terrible accident. i cannot imagine how horrific it would be if someone were suddenly laying in the road ahead of me.

i tried to google the accident when we got home but i couldn't find anything. i'm not even sure what town we were in. i just wanted to know who he was. i wanted to be able to understand what had happened. but even if i had seen it all go down with my own two eyes there is no understanding how life can stop so suddenly. when it is time, that's it. we don't get to choose. we don't get to know.

i talked to my son and he was fine. i don't think he really put it all together, which was a relief. outside of a funeral, i've never seen a dead person. it was shocking and alarming to me. it felt quite strange to go on to the park and enjoy the day as if nothing had happened. but even now, weeks later, i think of that man, and of his sacred life. i wanted to bear witness to that.

Comments

[Judy Wise]

Oh, Kelly. Thank you for your post. Thank you for slowing my mind and making me consider the beauty and wonder of every life.

[kelly rae roberts]

oh my, that sounds horrible. i'm not sure i wouldn't have fallen apart right there while driving. just like you, i would want to know all about him, what happened,etc. wow.

i hear you about sometimes wanting to just walk away. it's a wierd feeling, isn't it?

i hope you keep the blog, but fully get letting it go, too.

[Tonia Davenport]

This is the sort of thing that makes me thank God every single morning for allowing me to see another day. I think by wondering what happened to this man and wondering who he was you did indeed honor him.

[Deryn Mentock]

Oh, Kelly! This happened to me one time and I've never forgotten the image of a dead man and his motorcycle laying in the street. There really is a reverence...almost a holiness...to seeing something like that. My 15 year old wants a motorcycle and my answer is an emphatic NO! Please don't stop blogging...I would miss you severely!

[Debbie]

Kelly you did indeed honor this man. Years ago we came upon an accident and Steve said don't look, but just as you I could not stop myself only this time it was a college student that had been thrown from his car and was in a tree. For years every time I passed this spot I would look up into that tree and thank god for keeping my family safe. Please know it is your spirit and writings that keep us all coming back. Debbie

[amber]

Please don't stop blogging.

I aways enjoy yours.

Amber Dawn

[amber]

Please don't stop blogging.

I aways enjoy yours.

Amber Dawn

[Catherine Witherell]

Maybe you could just take a break from this blog and write when you want to. You are a very clear and gripping writer and I would really miss that even though you only just started this. I can get your personality, if not the true extent of your emotional state, every time I read what you have written.

Maybe you should write a book of short stories. Well, whatever you do, I just want to tell you that I have learned things from you I can't exactly describe and I would really miss having your input. I guess I could just email you, but I know you get busy and crazy with stuff to do sometimes and I wouldn't want to interupt that. You are a wonderful, energetic person, and whatever you want to do is fine with me. (although, part of me would like to pull the line -you owe it to your public- to make you feel obligated and to make you stay! Ha! love to you, Catherine

[Angie Platten]

Wow, what a thing to have to see. That sounds awful!

But oh, please, please, please don't stop blogging! I check your blog every day and love reading it. It's even better since I know you and put the accent with it when I read so it's like having you talk to me every day! I will miss you so much if you stop!

[connie]

Kelly I love reading your blog and i especially love seeing your art and new creations. On my blog I have the BWOG symbol - "blogging without guilt" sometimes i go a whole month or more with no post - i just don't feel like it. so if you don't want to blog anymore - don't! ....and if you do, then i will certainly be there to read it.
connie

[Kim]

Hey Kelly girl, you sound burned out...maybe you should take a break & do just what you want to do and and let everything else go for a while. But I agree with everyone that it would be a shame if you never came back to your blog. You have such a good, strong voice & you certainly could get your stories published, but that wouldn't have the immediacy of your blog. God bless you in whatever you do!
big hugs,
Kim

[Bonnie Moench]

Kelly

My sweet friend....I have missed you terribly....and I would miss your blog more than you will know. While I was away this summer I just wanted a quiet moment to read what you had written. I just never got that moment.I am touched that you cared so much for that stranger. That is what this world needs more of..loving and caring and I am proud to be your friend.

xoxo
Bonnie

[joanna]

oh sweet girl, what a horrible thing to have witnesses before you. I don't think you will ever forget. Life is precious, and every breathe we receive, we appreciate.