for the last couple days I have slowly been filling up with yearning. a desire for more. more what I do not know. it usually boils down to excitement, adventure, adrenaline. I didn’t always know this about myself and instead lived wildly, recklessly and with a full open throttle. now I know I should monitor the music I listen to, the magazines I read, the people I spend time with. they all influence me and my tendency to live dangerously large.
“Where does discontent start? You are warm
enough, but you shiver. You are fed, yet hunger gnaws you. You have been loved,
but your yearning wanders in new fields. And to prod all these there's time,
the Bastard Time.”
sometimes I feel like I have tricked my real self by putting her in this suburban bucolic setting with two kids, one dog, one husband, one house. I wonder if she will wake up and find her hands bound only to shoot out her secret powers of fire and steel and cut herself free. she’ll run away in the bright morning light, singing loudly, with red ribbons trailing behind her. she’s trouble that one. parachutist, fast talker, hitch-hiker. gotta keep her on a short chain.
I am sitting here past the desire to paint. I really wanted to paint and I could not find the right size canvas. I prefer to work really big but I didn’t have the time or inclination so I wanted tiny. but I can’t ever seem to know where anything is here. I don’t put anything in the same place twice so I am always tossing things about looking, looking. I couldn’t find the proper surface so all I managed to do was put on my apron.
I needed to work on a piece of jewelry but I am tired of cold wire. it is not speaking to me anymore. or perhaps I’m not speaking to it. paint and pencils become part of my mind and help me to get all the words out of my head. I don’t want to put my secrets into jewelery and wear them. that sounds too heavy even for me. I have a vicious sore throat for the third day in a row. it is making me surly. it is making me lose my temper. I am thinking of becoming bitter and brittle.
I wish I had something new to show you. I wish I had something to fill this yearning.
“At the innermost core of all
loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self.
do you ever listen to fiona apple? here’s one…
“I don't understand about complementary colors
And what they say
Side by side they both get bright
Together they both get gray
But he's been pretty much yellow
And I've been kinda blue
But all I can see is
Red, red, red, red, red now
What am I gonna do
I don't understand about
Diamonds and why men buy them
What's so impressive about a diamond
Except the mining
And it's dangerous work
Trying to get to you too
And I think if I didn't have to
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill myself doing it
Maybe I wouldn't think so much of you
I've been watching all the time
And I still can't find the tack
And I wanna know is it okay
Is it just fine
Or is it my fault
Is it my lack
I don't understand about
The weather outside
Or the harmony in a tune
Or why somebody lied
There's solace a bit for submitting
To the fitfully cryptically true
What's happened has happened
What's coming is already on its way
With a role for me to play
I don't understand
I'll never understand
But I'll try to understand
There's nothing else I can do”
fiona apple – red, red, red
I wrote this above entry a couple days ago. my yearning has since passed. I find that tamoxifen is an incredibly whimsical mistress. it really does give me some perilous mood swings. and as I am one who likes to ponder and examine and would prefer to drive at least 100 miles an hour without ever editing one word that comes to my mind it is a dangerous partner to have while writing in such a public forum. do you understand what I mean? pishaw! you’ll have to try. I don’t feel like explaining just now. it is easy to forget that not everyone knows I speak quickly and off the cuff. a person needs to have some background, some insight into me to not be alarmed. oh I know I am making no sense. let’s just say my mama reads my blog and so I will always try to be careful in my little essays not to embarrass her too terribly. ha! I just thought of something REALLY funny and torridly naughty that she said when she was here….ahhhhh. the power, the power.